Under Pressure: One Chef Reveals His Lifelong Struggle With Anxiety
(Photo: Illustration: Chris McGonigal/HuffPost; Photo: Amy Drucker Photography)
Chef Matt Safarowic and his wife, Christina, are on the precipice of realizing a dream: opening their own restaurant. The 41-year-old chef, born and raised in Westchester County, New York, and his wife will be bringing the vibe and food of a modern American tavern with Italian influences to the area with Freddy’s in Pleasantville.
In this edition of Voices in Food, Matt talks about how the restaurant is the culmination of years in the business and represents their work not only at their craft, but at Matt mastering the anxiety and addictions he’s dealt with over the years.
This profession gave me a purpose early on.
When I was 13 and visiting a cousin in Florida, I learned to make linguine and red clam sauce, and I got hooked on cooking right then. I went to BOCES [a New York state educational program] for high school, which really got me through, as I wasn’t focused on academics.
[My anxiety] started off as what would be considered “Sunday blues.” I never got into trouble but would stress myself out so I couldn’t focus, and it was a vicious cycle. When I look back on my elementary school years, I think that even as early as fourth grade I was feeling anxiety. At 16, I started experiencing bad stomach pains and had a colonoscopy. There is a definite link between my anxiety and how my stomach feels ― when I’m stressed out I’m not hungry, don’t eat and would exist on protein shakes.
As I was getting ready for college, I really became aware of the financial stressors on my family. They’re amazing, but finances were definitely an issue. My mom suffers from anxiety and I also have ADHD, which went undiagnosed for a long time. I did have the ability to talk to my family about anything, but we didn’t have the knowledge to put a name on how I was feeling.
My path to the business wasn’t a straight line
I knew I wanted to work in a restaurant ― I had worked for five years at a now-shuttered spot in Peekskill while in high school. I was able to get a scholarship to the Culinary Institute of America for a 19-month program, but I missed a lot of days early on because of my anxiety, so they suggested I take some time off. I ended up leaving there, taking a year, and enrolling at Johnson & Wales. I did the two years there, but had way too much fun and didn’t get my diploma.
I tried to work in other industries to get out of the business, as I thought it would help my stress and I could earn more money. But I never grew out of my love for cooking. In a sense, the kitchen acted like a doctor for me. I realized I’d rather be happy in the kitchen with only one day off a week than miserable working a 9-to-5, Monday-to-Friday job.
How I found a mentor and dealt with an addiction
When I was in my late 20s, I started working for Dave DiBari (the chef/owner of a number of Westchester restaurants). Everything I’ve learned, I’ve learned from him. It took a while for me to realize that his attention to detail, his never being content and taking things to the next level, is what I strive to duplicate and has made him so successful. I also met Christina at that time.
Relationships were always a safety blanket for me ― not only with women, but with friends. When I was by myself, I would sit there and think about everything; my brain would not stop. I would smoke (pot) myself silly.
Now I have the coping mechanisms and the right combination of medications where I stop trying to fight the thoughts and realize what I’m stressing over is not the end of the world.
While working at one job, I was in pain from standing on my feet ― I’m badly pigeon-toed, had put on some weight, and my knees really started hurting. I became addicted to Percocet. I don’t think my family knew what a painkiller addiction was at that time. But Dave saw what was happening and said I was going to kill myself if I kept doing what I was doing. He sent me to an outpatient rehabilitation program and I was there for around five months.
Things were good for a few years ... but I was on a number of medications and in 2015 I was in a job that I wasn’t happy with, and my anxiety kicked up again. I got addicted to Xanax and was in a lot of mental pain. One day, I cut my stomach open ― I didn’t want to kill myself, but wanted to end my mental anguish. I took time off and found a good psychiatrist who got me on the right combination of medications.
Plotting the path toward owning a restaurant
I hated working for people. I still don’t love it when I take on jobs for other people, even if they’re friends. It stresses me out. I have the anxiety of letting people down. I’m less stressed when I only have to answer to myself. Taking on responsibility for something that’s my own doesn’t stress me out. The kitchen is where I feel calm and at peace. I know what I’m getting myself into, my body knows what to do. I find it really easy to zone in on the tasks at hand. It’s why Christina deals with the customers.
Why we need to talk about anxiety
I’m passionate about the fact I’ve found what works for me — which includes smoking pot. I’m open and honest about how that’s benefited me, in addition to more traditional medications. I think if more people talked about anxiety when I was growing up, I may have had more awareness of what I was feeling and how to cope.
When you’re curled up in a fetal position and you think the world is going to end, that’s suffering from anxiety, which is different from being anxious. When it limits you, runs your life and you make decisions around how you’re feeling, that’s suffering from anxiety.
While we’re hearing more celebrities talk about it, it’s still not as widely talked about by “regular” people. Men are still being told to “man up” and I still catch myself thinking that way. It was the way I was raised. I wish I could go into schools and talk to kids who may not understand how they’re feeling and how to get help.
This article originally appeared on HuffPost and has been updated.
