Marjorie Taylor Greene wants a 'national divorce.' This liberal says: 'Let's do it!'

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Bonkers, has proposed a “national divorce” that would separate the country by red states and blue states, and as a proud blue-state liberal I’d like to say: Let’s do this thing, Marge!

The QAnon-hugging Georgia lawmaker has risen to a position of power in the Republican Party and now acts as if she is House Speaker Kevin McCarthy’s wing-person despite having the intellectual heft of an eggplant that’s not good at being an eggplant. A member of the Homeland Security Committee, she decided Monday would be a fine day to show the world she has no idea what the words “homeland” or “security” mean. (She may be able to define “committee,” but I wouldn’t bet on it.)

Greene tweeted: “We need a national divorce. We need to separate by red states and blue states and shrink the federal government. Everyone I talk to says this. From the sick and disgusting woke culture issues shoved down our throats to the Democrat’s traitorous America Last policies, we are done.”

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I’ll sidestep the irony of calling the opposing party “America Last” when you’re proposing doing away with the whole “UNITED States of America” concept and say, simply: Wow. A sitting member of Congress really just tweeted that plate of nonsense like a short-order cook slinging a plate of fries.

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I initially assumed Greene wanted a national divorce so she could start dating another country she met at CrossFit. But then, come Tuesday, the pride of Georgia demonstrated her patented lean-into-the-dumb approach to lawmaking by expanding on the national divorce idea in a lengthy Twitter thread.

She went from a single pro-secession tweet to a let’s-do-away-with-the union Twitter diatribe that went on and on and on. It sounded like what you’d get if you ran a Jack Kerouac novel and every far-right-wing talking point through a malfunctioning artificial-intelligence writing program.

Greene's national divorce plan would be the envy of every drunk at the end of the bar

One tweet in the thread read: “We would immediately alleviate the need for departments like the Department of Education. States would have full control of their public education. Education would look different all over the country. In red states, there would be varying degrees of more traditional public education, charter schools, homeschooling, technical training, and college and universities. Red states would likely ban all gender lies and confusing theories, Drag Queen story times, and LGBTQ indoctrinating teachers, and China’s money and influence in our education while blue states could have government controlled gender transition schools.”

Count me in on the “government controlled gender transition schools.” Sounds fun.

Real conservatives have something to say about Greene's proposal

Actual conservatives who don’t believe over-glorified internet trolls should run the government were more than a little put off by Greene’s nonsense.

“Our country is governed by the Constitution," former GOP Rep. Liz Cheney tweeted. "You swore an oath to support and defend the Constitution. Secession is unconstitutional. No member of Congress should advocate secession, Marjorie.”

Utah Sen. Mitt Romney called Greene’s babble “insanity,” and Republican Utah Gov. Spencer Cox wrote in a tweet: “This rhetoric is destructive and wrong and – honestly – evil.”

Forget the attorneys, let's just get this national divorce over with

Look, there’s no telling when the cheese slid off Greene’s cracker, but as she said in her National Divorce Doctrine, “Tragically, I think we, the left and right, have reached irreconcilable differences.” If dealing with someone like Greene is what’s required to reconcile our differences, I have to agree.

Let’s end this national marriage and get to divvying things up.

Here’s my divorce proposal, which I’m sure Greene will agree with as long as someone reads it to her slowly.

Blue states get the money, the stealth fighters and the jobs

First, we’ll take the substantial amount of federal money red states have been getting from the taxes we pay and invest it in what Greene identified as our “government funded Antifa communists training schools.” Thank you for your donation.

Next, we’ll grant red states custody of all civilian guns, but we blue states get to keep the military, since it’s technically part of the “big government” Greene so despises. You all can protect your red state/blue state border with some AR-15-toting Proud Boys and we’ll buzz by occasionally with our F-117 Nighthawk stealth fighters and see how things shake out.

Since every red state will have its own education system and standards, we’ll go ahead and take custody of the high-paying jobs. And since Greene said in her tweet-proposal, “In red states, I highly doubt Walmart could place sex toys next to children’s toothbrushes,” we’ll take custody of all the sex toys and you all can have the Walmarts. We prefer Target anyway.

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But what about the children?

Of course the hardest part of any divorce is figuring out how to deal with the little ones. We’ll take Rhode Island, Delaware, Connecticut and Hawaii, but as gesture of goodwill, we’ll give you New Jersey, except for the part where Bruce Springsteen lives. You can also have custody of the twins, North Dakota and South Dakota.

Clearly, we get most of the celebrities as well as Hollywood, Broadway, the Magnificent Mile, the Mall of America and, because we know the owner wants nothing to do with Greene and her ilk, Dollywood.

The red states get Ted Nugent, the guy who does the Dilbert comic, Elon Musk and probably Mark Zuckerberg, though he’s old enough to make his own decision and it’s a little hard to tell which side he’ll choose.

In national divorce map, MTG will have to move

The final thing we need to sort out is this: Greene lives in Georgia which, per the last presidential election, is a blue state. So she will have to vacate. As she said non-succinctly in her national-divorce thread: “Hollywood elites and celebrities and all the brainwashed leftists women who watch the nasty women on the View, men who identify as women, and Democrat voters who suffer from the lifelong debilitating disease Trump Derangement Syndrome they caught from CNN wouldn’t have to see much less tolerate deplorables anymore.”

She said in a red state/blue state divorce, we blue staters won’t have to tolerate deplorables. Pack your bags and get out of Georgia, Marge. A promise is a promise.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk, or contact him at rhuppke@usatoday.com

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Marjorie Taylor Greene wants a national divorce. Let's give her one.