How to get revenge on your ex this Valentine’s Day

Currently, from AT&T
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knife cutting between bride and groom figurines, relationship breakup (Getty Images)

Ah, Valentine’s Day — the day when couples all over America prove their love to each other. It’s the epitome of romance, right?

Not so fast. Just ask Fox News anchor Julie Banderas, who, during a discussion last week about Valentine’s Day, announced her impending divorce.

[Related: Valentine's Day gift guide with sweet deals on Samsung smartphones]

“F*ck Valentine’s Day,” she told “Gutfeld!” host Greg Gutfeld on Feb. 9. “It is stupid.”

Banderas then announced, “I am going to get a divorce. I am going to go ahead and say it here for the first time.”

So, if you also didn’t part with your ex on the best of terms, here’s a list of hilarious ways to get back at them this Valentine’s Day:

Name a cockroach after them (and feed it to a wild animal)

Several zoos across the country are continuing a Valentine’s Day tradition of letting people name cockroaches and other animals after an ex — with some of the critters meeting an unfortunate end.

The Bronx Zoo in New York is offering its annual Valentine’s Day “Name a Roach” campaign, which it started in 2011. People can name a Madagascar hissing cockroach after their ex for $15, and the recipient will be informed that an insect has been named in their honor.

Chicago’s Brookfield Zoo has a similar cockroach campaign, which it calls an “Un-Happy Valentine’s Day” event for that “un-special (or special) someone in your life.”

This tradition isn’t just limited to cockroaches. For a $5 donation, Pennsylvania’s Lehigh Valley Zoo allows people to name a cricket after their ex and then watch it be fed to other zoo animals. The California Wildlife Center is allowing people to feed a squid named after their ex to sea lions for $5. The event is in its second year — brought back by popular demand.

At Maryland’s Salisbury Zoological Park, community members can buy mealworms or crickets, name them after exes, and have them fed to either a tawny frogmouth, spotted turtle, basilisk, cotton-top tamarin or black-tufted marmoset.

Snitch on your ex to the police

For the last few years, sheriffs’ departments and police departments across the country have been asking scorned lovers to get revenge on the holiday in a unique way: By reporting their exes who have outstanding warrants or who have committed other crimes.

“Did he steal your heart? Did he steal your credit card? Did he steal your catalytic converter? Boy, do we have an offer for you. If you call the number on your screen right now, your ex-Valentine may be eligible for an all-inclusive minimum one-night stay in one of Stanislaus County's finest overnight accommodations,” employees from the California-based sheriff's office posted in a video.

The tongue-in-cheek promotions, usually posted on Facebook, tend to offer the same “romantic” benefits:

  • A set of limited-edition platinum bracelets (AKA handcuffs);

  • Free transportation with a chauffeur;

  • A one-night minimum stay with luxurious accommodations; and

  • Professional glamour shots that will be posted online “for all to enjoy.”

Troy Goodnough, the sheriff of Monroe County in Michigan, said the Valentine’s Day Weekend Special was so successful last year, it’s coming back in 2023.

Last year, the same promotion netted three misdemeanor arrests in Orange County, Texas.

“Laugh all you want, but someone reading this is about to call us and give someone up!” Georgia’s Rockmart police department posted on Facebook.

Wish your ex a crappy Valentine’s Day — literally

Some animal shelters are looking to use your antipathy to raise money for a good cause. For $5, the Animal Friends Humane Society in Ohio will write your ex’s name on a cat’s litter box, then post the video on Valentine’s Day.

So far, the campaign has raised more than $3,400, according to Anna Friedman, the organization’s executive director.

Continuing along the same scatological vein, the San Francisco Animal Care and Control (SFACC) is offering “Crappy Valentine’s Day” e-cards to people who donate at least $5.

One of the shelter’s 30-some guinea pigs (all of whom are awaiting new homes) will defecate on a card bearing the name of your ex, and then SFACC will post the turd-laden gram on its social media. The responsible guinea pig will also be credited on the card.

Flush your ex down the toilet

If you’re looking to get rid of love letters and cards from previous relationships, recycled toilet paper company Who Gives a Crap is offering to take those paper-based memories and “turn your ex’s empty promises into something that’s actually useful”: toilet paper.

“Because nothing says closure like knowing that someone, somewhere is putting those sweet nothings exactly where they belong,” the company said.

—By Pauline Vu

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