This 'Teen Mom' couple’s adoption nightmare is sparking an important conversation

Tyler and Catelynn Baltierra love living in Michigan with their young daughters. They joyfully jump into the fresh water of the Great Lakes. Bask in all four seasons each year.

The pair are plenty used to other kinds of seasons, though – emotional ones – since starring on MTV's "16 and Pregnant." The now 32-year-old couple placed their eldest daughter Carly for adoption on TV 15 years ago; a milestone moment for the series that, at the time, featured its subjects for one documentary-like hour-long episode.

"No one really ever saw that happen before in real time," Tyler says, of the adoption experience, "and then when we got chosen to be on (MTV's spinoff) 'Teen Mom,' and now following the aftermath of an adoption, we never got to see that ever on (reality) TV or in real time either."

The representation has resonated with a core group of viewers. Adoptees, adoptive parents and birth parents regularly reach out to the couple; A recent estimate suggests more than 115,000 adoptions occur in the U.S. in a given year.

But their choice from the past snowballed into a nightmare in recent months. They say Carly's adoptive parents have cut off communication. What was supposed to be an "open adoption" – a nuanced term, but generally where adoptive and birth parents stay in contact to share details about a child – has become anything but. Their family used to look forward to spending time with her during yearly visits. Now, "all we can do is really just share our story and to continue to share the facts regarding adoption," Tyler says.

The Baltierras' adoption struggles, which have recent played out on the show and on social media, have sparked a conversation. Their story underscores how the adoption community is full of all kinds of stories – good and bad. Many believe the practice requires reform. Advocates say the first step is acknowledging the trauma and grief that comes with adoption for everyone involved.

"At the end of the day, adoption equals trauma," Tyler says. "It's trauma for the adoptee, it's trauma for the adoptive parents and it's trauma for the birth parents."

Adoptees and coming out of the fog

No adoption story looks quite the same. But research shows that adoptee trauma is real; a 2013 study found that adoptees were about four times more likely to attempt suicide than non-adoptees.

"The narrative that the industry puts out there is so adoptive-parents heavy and so-savior heavy that it doesn't allow for grieving, for loss, for feelings of abandonment, rejection, all of those things, basically to be legitimate and so those feelings are pushed down, shut down, because adoption's beautiful and wonderful, and you've been saved," says Abigail Hasberry, an adoptee, therapist and author. Adoptees themselves may not "come out of the fog" – understand the impact the adoption has had on them – for some time, and it's only then that "they start to have a different view and start to define their own narrative of what adoption means to them based on the trauma and the loss."

"A lot of times, people don't say what they're feeling to protect their adoptive parents' feelings," adds Jenni Paul, a 65-year-old adoptee. "So once your adoptive parents are gone, you're almost free to be who you really are."

Misconceptions abound about the adoption process. Media often presents outdated conventions the industry has tried to weed out over decades. For example, "most children who are adopted from foster care are adopted by someone who's either a relative or has been serving as their foster parent for an extended period of time, so they typically have a important connection or relationship with the person who's adopted them," says Ryan Hanlon, the president and CEO of the National Council for Adoption. And "by far, there are more adoptions in foster care than all other types of adoption."

Today, 95% of domestic infant adoptions are open; two-thirds involve post-placement communication, according to adoption agency Adoption Network.

Callie Mitchell, 37, sees her eldest son at least once a year; she and her son's adoptive parents remain in close contact. She unexpectedly got pregnant in her 20s; her son will be 12 years old in December.

She video chats him and he even spends time with Mitchell's younger son. Though when she first told him she was pregnant, he asked: "Is the baby going to come here to live with us?"

"It was a little heartbreaking saying, 'No, I'm keeping this one,'" the Colorado resident says.

The rights of birth parents

Adoption agreement legislation is murky.

When Catelynn and Tyler agreed to place Carly for adoption, the teens and Carly's adoptive parents outlined what sounded like an idyllic plan including annual visits. That's what "Teen Mom" cameras captured for a while but as the couple's fame grew − and as Carly grew − the contact gradually vanished.

The Baltierras have not pursued legal recourse to contact their child: "Not being able to be involved, it's that power dynamic which is so hard, because we can say how we feel, and we can say our wishes and wants, and we can put ourselves in their shoes constantly, but at the end of the day, they hold on to all the control," Catelynn says. They also worry about how a legal fight could spiral and the toll it could take on Carly.

Expectations vary by state when it comes to such agreements. "Today half of states have legislation making such agreements enforceable generally, and another half dozen or so make them enforceable in certain circumstances," says James Dwyer, a law professor at William & Mary Law School. "So a birth parent would always have standing to seek enforcement and would simply have less chance of success in (certain) states." That said, "it’s an evolving area of law, and the trend has been in support of facilitating post-adoption contact."

Closed adoptions from decades ago are also coming undone as more Americans take part in trends like Ancestry.com and 23andMe. Secrets seep out like a leaky faucet. In theory, the more details shared before, during and after an adoption, the better.

"I do think voluntary agreements for openness are often a positive thing, and I strongly believe that children upon adulthood should have a right to access information about their birth parents and to try to contact them," says Elizabeth Bartholet, an emeritus law professor at Harvard Law School. "But I don’t think as a general matter we should be splitting up parental rights between birth and adoptive parents the way we split up rights between divorcing parents."

Even when plans like this are put in place, they often fade: "It's easy to fall out of the relationship if both sides are not maintaining that communication and making it a priority," Mitchell says. "And I do find that a lot of times, the adoptive parents for whatever reason, just don't put in the effort to maintain their relationship, or they get really busy once you actually have a newborn baby."

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What will it take to change the industry?

What exactly needs changing? Maybe it's our perspective. "Society has done such a beautiful job at creating this narrative that adoption automatically equates a better, beautiful life for children no matter what," says DezaRay Mons, a transracial infant adoptee who goes by @TheOutspokenAdoptee online. And that's not always the case.

Adoption industry revenue hit $24.7 billion last year, and is expected to climb to $26.2 billion by 2028. A domestic adoption in the U.S. costs from $20,000 to $45,000 – something that doesn't sit will with some adoptees. And though trainings in transracial and inter-country adoptions have greatly improved over the past few decades, there's still room for improvement in that area, Hanlon says.

Many adoptees' biggest gripe is the money involved in the process. Agencies need to pay professionals like attorneys and social workers involved in the process, not to mention agency operating costs and possible birth parent compensation.

Lorah Gerald, known as The Adopted Chameleon on social media, adds: "Two things can be true at once. You can love your adoptive parents, and the adoption industry can be unethical."

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'I love her so much'

Tyler encourages people to listen to adoptees' stories: "Be curious about stuff that may challenge your way of thinking about it," he says, adding that "no matter what, learning about adoptee trauma is what's going to better inform birth parents on how to move forward, and what's better going to inform adoptive parents."

Catelynn doesn't regret her choice. "I just wish I was more educated as a young child. And, I mean, let's face it, we were children, but I do wish that I was more educated on it all, because I probably would have made different decisions."

They've been vocal about their struggles with not being able to contact her, in part for Carly, who is now in her teen years and may hear about their efforts on her own.

She's glad Carly will one day be able to watch her adoption story from their perspective. To learn they cherished her. "I love her so much that I knew that she could not stay with me, and I wanted her to have better."

(This story has been updated with more information.)

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: 'Teen Mom' couple Tyler, Catelynn talk adoption industry